Saturday, May 13, 2006
HYPERBALLAD
we live on a mountainright at the top
there's a beautiful view
from the top of the mountain
every morning I walk towards the edge
and throw little things off
like: car-parts, bottles and cutlery
or whatever I find lying around
it's become a habit
a way
to start the day
I go through all this
before you wake up
so I can feel happier
to be safe up here with you
it's real early morning
no-one is awake
I'm back at my cliff, still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
on their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
imagine what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocks
and when it lands
will my eyes be closed or open?
I go through all this
before you wake up
so I can feel happier
to be safe up here with you
-
I have often told people that I love Björk's hyperballad especially the part "will my eyes be closed or open?". Naturally, people look at me strangely. I never told anyone why. But just the other day, I heard a whisper "Maybe it's time".
I heard the other day that my best friend didn't want to talk to me about her boyfriend because she didn't like to hear what I think of him.
Far too many people tell me that I am a tyrant. And people fear my anger. Hence, they RECOMMEND that I do not act the way I am. I confess that I was a monster. But that time, I was 20. Everytime someone comes to me to say that I have too much anger, it pains me. Because it has been years that I've kept my angry side out of the public. I never told anyone of them but all that they see is the Gage many years ago. Where have they been all these years? I don't know.
Why do I say this? It fairly simple. If I am still a tyrant. Will there even be a chance for them to tell me how they feel I should change for the better?
I suspect that they are the one who hasn't changed for our relationship.
They hold the "why must you be so unreasonable" card so that they can make me change to be what they want me to be.
So everytime I see these people. I kill myself. That part of me that they think is so unacceptable.
I grew up with a strong mother. And she will be first I find when I need strength. But after the divorce, she has been weak. A quality I dislike.
So every week before I go home from my hostel dorm, I kill a bit of myself. So that I don't need her to be strong anymore. So that I can see my love for her again.
Everyday before I get out of bed, I kill a little bit of myself.
The Gage who is too harsh for everyone's fairytale world.
The Gage who doesn't want to waste his energy to wave and say hi.
The Gage who thinks that people who need to hear sugar-coated feedbacks are weak.
The Gage who doesn't believe in love.
The Gage with the bad temper.
I kill myself a little everyday not because it makes me a better person.
But because this is the only way I can happier and safer with the people around.
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ur words are always important to me...u know that..
if i didnt like to hear wat u think of him...i wouldnt even mention him or talk things through with my bf after hearing wat u had said to me...that's how much i value ur advice cos they always make me reflect upon myself...
i've always wanted u to be happy...not to kill bits of urself to accomodate to others...i dun need that from you...perhaps in times i've not done my part as a fren...letting u down now and then...but thru the years have i not seen the changes in u?
come on...a tyrant will never admit he is a control freak...
if i didnt like to hear wat u think of him...i wouldnt even mention him or talk things through with my bf after hearing wat u had said to me...that's how much i value ur advice cos they always make me reflect upon myself...
i've always wanted u to be happy...not to kill bits of urself to accomodate to others...i dun need that from you...perhaps in times i've not done my part as a fren...letting u down now and then...but thru the years have i not seen the changes in u?
come on...a tyrant will never admit he is a control freak...
eh actually my last line meant to be a joke...dunnoe u got it or not...cos i still rem u said that u're a control freak when we were at thailand...
Come on, you got everyone in their 'service recovery' mode. (N.B. Service recovery are actions and words that you do and say after you have a service lapse. E.g. You spill red wine on a pax white shirt. You will say 'I am so sorry'. And you go on the 100m race for the nearest hot towel. And if all things fails give the cheapo a landry vouncher. That my brother is service recovery and your long winded sister. And look at JiaHui. She went the extra mile. She did service recovery recovery. This is how much you meant to her. More than a paid master -- we are always told we have to go the extra mile cos pax are our paid masters... )
I believe everyone who loves you went 'ouch' on this blog. Esp me. No cos I am the sister. The elder sister. But cos you did mention this song to me and I think even show me the mtv but I didn't get what you wanted to say. That you were killing yourself... But hey so what is the answer? Are your eyes closed or open?
I always tot this blog is a very good idea cos it serves as a place to 'tell your stories'.
Do you know what I kill myself too. Everyday too. And you made me realised I have a 'mass killing myself' job. Not only to my pax but also to the other crew.
It's called the 'games that we played'... And yes we played it so that we can be happier and safer with others. For every game that we played we have a 'motive'. I kill myself for the last 18hours and 10 min so that I will have a good flight. Motive served and so be happy, be glad cos I kill myself for a worthy reason.
In this comment I am going to 'down played' whatever you said (this is called advanced service recovery -- say sorry before you spill the red wine) but do understand that what you said is important to us (notice the present tense cos it's a fact!)and with every killing of yourself in this blog kills us too... So have to kill myself a little here and there to made your killing like a common place.
You know I always hate it when you give me negative feedback. Ya ya I like them sugar coated, chocolate coated will be better. But don't you realised you will still be the person I crawled to and say, ask, beg that you will scold me, insult me, critise me... I know you love me and I know you want me to do the right thing. But you must understand I am not the bitch (Definition of bitch : someone who knows what he/she wants and do whatever to be that person). I am the blonde but not the looks, just the brains. And I love to play the victim role. Just love it! Hence we have to play our roles...
I believe we have all notice the change. After your stay in Bangkok.But we are also wary of the angry Gage. He emerges from time to time too, you know. Sometimes I know (and you know) you can and will use a softer word but you just didn't ( and I will go Ta Ma de. Zhao zhi dao. Bu yao gen ta shou...). But what is said about the 'why must you be so unreasonable' card is very very true too.
But can't you see, this is so, in this world. If I don't want to kill myself (change myself)I will have to kill someone else (change someone else). In every game, someone has to die you know.
But you can also not play the game. Like what you are doing now. Why should you kill yourself jus cos another thinks it's unacceptable? But there are always consequence. to play or not to play that is the question. You are a big man now. I leave it to you to answer.
Another very impt thing I want to say. I hope you can celebrate diverity... differences... different ways of handling things... different behaviours... different opinions... different strengths... different weaknesses... skewed, if you want to put it. If you can do that, you can stop killing yourself so often. Like when this morning after like say 12 hrs of service a pax ask me for a spoon for her ice cream. I took in a deep breathe and instead of killing myself to say 'Oh , certainly. I will be right back', I smile and celebrate diverity ( in IQ or sight. I mean if she is not intelligent enough to realise she could have see the pax beside her. Hello, he is not eating with his hands right?) -- I told her ' Mdm there is already one inside' and I took the cup of ice cream and open it and wa la there was the spoon.
And about Mother. Her presence self irks me constantly last time. But I don't know since when I am glad. She ain't strong. She is my mother... Mother is who she is now. No super Mum, no wonder woman, just a woman yearning for love ( and ya attention and sometimes common denial -- that's a little hard). A woman who is true to herself, who is comfortable as herself. Are you not glad? Must she 'kill herself' to earn your love? I am glad. Happy. Overjoyed that she has unlearned her 'bad habits'. Are you not happy? She is not our superwoman. Used to be. Now is our turns or maybe we do not need a super hero in our family. Jus happy people. No angry ones please... Hee2(Think of Mum like Karen without the money. That sounds better right?)
Now is our turn to unlearn ours...
Ya ya? Hee2... Smile. Be happy ya... Long is too short to be constantly angry, afraid, worried, etc. Right?
Like what Captain Planet says ' The choice is yours!'
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I believe everyone who loves you went 'ouch' on this blog. Esp me. No cos I am the sister. The elder sister. But cos you did mention this song to me and I think even show me the mtv but I didn't get what you wanted to say. That you were killing yourself... But hey so what is the answer? Are your eyes closed or open?
I always tot this blog is a very good idea cos it serves as a place to 'tell your stories'.
Do you know what I kill myself too. Everyday too. And you made me realised I have a 'mass killing myself' job. Not only to my pax but also to the other crew.
It's called the 'games that we played'... And yes we played it so that we can be happier and safer with others. For every game that we played we have a 'motive'. I kill myself for the last 18hours and 10 min so that I will have a good flight. Motive served and so be happy, be glad cos I kill myself for a worthy reason.
In this comment I am going to 'down played' whatever you said (this is called advanced service recovery -- say sorry before you spill the red wine) but do understand that what you said is important to us (notice the present tense cos it's a fact!)and with every killing of yourself in this blog kills us too... So have to kill myself a little here and there to made your killing like a common place.
You know I always hate it when you give me negative feedback. Ya ya I like them sugar coated, chocolate coated will be better. But don't you realised you will still be the person I crawled to and say, ask, beg that you will scold me, insult me, critise me... I know you love me and I know you want me to do the right thing. But you must understand I am not the bitch (Definition of bitch : someone who knows what he/she wants and do whatever to be that person). I am the blonde but not the looks, just the brains. And I love to play the victim role. Just love it! Hence we have to play our roles...
I believe we have all notice the change. After your stay in Bangkok.But we are also wary of the angry Gage. He emerges from time to time too, you know. Sometimes I know (and you know) you can and will use a softer word but you just didn't ( and I will go Ta Ma de. Zhao zhi dao. Bu yao gen ta shou...). But what is said about the 'why must you be so unreasonable' card is very very true too.
But can't you see, this is so, in this world. If I don't want to kill myself (change myself)I will have to kill someone else (change someone else). In every game, someone has to die you know.
But you can also not play the game. Like what you are doing now. Why should you kill yourself jus cos another thinks it's unacceptable? But there are always consequence. to play or not to play that is the question. You are a big man now. I leave it to you to answer.
Another very impt thing I want to say. I hope you can celebrate diverity... differences... different ways of handling things... different behaviours... different opinions... different strengths... different weaknesses... skewed, if you want to put it. If you can do that, you can stop killing yourself so often. Like when this morning after like say 12 hrs of service a pax ask me for a spoon for her ice cream. I took in a deep breathe and instead of killing myself to say 'Oh , certainly. I will be right back', I smile and celebrate diverity ( in IQ or sight. I mean if she is not intelligent enough to realise she could have see the pax beside her. Hello, he is not eating with his hands right?) -- I told her ' Mdm there is already one inside' and I took the cup of ice cream and open it and wa la there was the spoon.
And about Mother. Her presence self irks me constantly last time. But I don't know since when I am glad. She ain't strong. She is my mother... Mother is who she is now. No super Mum, no wonder woman, just a woman yearning for love ( and ya attention and sometimes common denial -- that's a little hard). A woman who is true to herself, who is comfortable as herself. Are you not glad? Must she 'kill herself' to earn your love? I am glad. Happy. Overjoyed that she has unlearned her 'bad habits'. Are you not happy? She is not our superwoman. Used to be. Now is our turns or maybe we do not need a super hero in our family. Jus happy people. No angry ones please... Hee2(Think of Mum like Karen without the money. That sounds better right?)
Now is our turn to unlearn ours...
Ya ya? Hee2... Smile. Be happy ya... Long is too short to be constantly angry, afraid, worried, etc. Right?
Like what Captain Planet says ' The choice is yours!'
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